1.11 – Willow – Angelus

Song: Stress by Justice

willow loses three days of her life ˑ feat. mania’s sense of dramatic timing ˑ going into the light is harder than it sounds

i feel the ascension like wing-flutters on my skin, gunpowder flashes behind my eyes, the sudden weight lifted from the titanium rods holding me together, and I am Ready I am Ready I am READY. i have been ready all this time and everything brightens once i know it –
i feel the CALLING in my TEMPLES, holy WORSHIP repurposed, migraine TRANSCENDED into GLORY, and all it takes is getting just a little closer – closer, Closer, CLOSER
There is no god
There Is No God
just the Bright and the voices of a thousand Thousand strangers unfolding and Unfolding
There is no god
There is no god
only me and that is enough that is Enough except that
nothing is enough.
The only way back from the edge is to cross it.
The only way back from the edge is to cross it.
The only way back from the edge is to cross it
Repeat and rinse and rewind and make it make sense and a s c e n d-

I come back to life curled up on the bathroom tile
with a mouth of batteries and an ecstasy-headache
party pills and alcohol sweating out
and mania dripping its last honey from my bloody fingertips.

I come back to life and wish I hadn’t –
because now I have to recall
every thread that I- careless – dropped
gather all my straying thoughts –
remember who and what and why I am
all the faces and ideals I’m not.

I come back to life three days after the anglerfish
with a phone number I don’t remember
written in sharpie on the inside of my forearm

in the shower –
(I breathe in the steam and
I am not reborn, I am not remade)
I scrub and scrape it off
I’m not ready to be saved.

ANGELUS ANGELUS I COME WITH A MESSAGE FROM THE VOID AFTER ALL THINGS END, are you prepared for the infinite, when you end it
will you be ready for nothing upon Nothing, or are you too much of a coward
Angelus Angelus Gloria in Excelsis Deo, does it make you feel more alive to feel death upon your eyelashes, does it make you feel more worthy to know that there’s no judge, does it make you feel more stable to know that there’s no after, does it make you feel safer to know you’ll never see them again
Angelus Angelus can you hear them calling you
On the BAD DAYS on the GOOD DAYS
On this day and every other
Under every loose-leaf thought you hear there’s another and another
This is your purgatory and your sin’s a broken crown
you’ll only feel the thorns when at last we let you drown
You’ll feel their bite and tear when you finally come on down
You’ll bleed and grieve later – when your feet are on the ground

I come back to life curled up on the bathroom tile
with a mouth of batteries and an ecstasy-headache
party pills and alcohol sweating out
and mania dripping its last honey from my bloody fingertips.

I come back to life and wish I hadn’t –
because now I have to recall
every thread that I- careless- dropped
gather all my straying thoughts –
remember who and what and why I am
all the faces and ideals I’m not.

(i think this has happened TWICE-
PERHAPS one was just a Dream
time Loops and Skips and Stumbles
when you don’t watch it closely
I probably should worry
but I already know THE COST)

there’s smudged ink upon my forearm –
who knows what it is I’ve lost?

<– 1.10 1.12 –>