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Elliott Dunstan

  • Home
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  • Bell, Clock and Candle (Elessa)
    • The Nowhere Bird (Bell, Clock and Candle #1)
  • ALKIMIA FABLES
  • 1.4 – Cassandra – Two Pieces

    October 21st, 2020

    Song: Taikatalvi (Instrumental) by Nightwish

    in which we are more than reflections ˑ the past is the present is the past is forever ˑ we can’t all be hayley mills

                    You are not that kind of twin.

                    You know that, but you pull Perry down to watch The Parent Trap with you anyway. Jason is playing video games in the background, the beep of his console barely a distraction. And you know you are not that kind of twin, if you were you’d be skinny and Perry would be a girl and you’d look like halves of a whole instead of distorted reflections. But –

                    But it’s nice to pretend, sometimes.

                    Perry plays along, for a little while. He doesn’t say anything during most of the movie. Then Jason leaves, distracted by a phone call. And he says, quietly, “I wish they’d get divorced.”

                    It’s a quiet admission. Not the kind of thing you’re supposed to say aloud. You think you’re supposed to agree. Instead, you don’t talk to him for the rest of the day. Divorced parents fight all the time and don’t love each other anymore. More importantly, they’re an embarrassment. And Mom is very clear. The only thing worse than embarrassment is death.

                    (The fact that your parents don’t seem to love each other to begin with – you’re not old enough to think about as a possibility but you do anyway. It’s humiliating to think about, the idea that other people might have different kinds of parents. Of course they love each other – the same way they love you, and your siblings. Of course.)

                    Still, by the next morning, you’ve forgiven him, with a sunny half-smile and a shrug of acknowledgment. You don’t talk about it, though, or tell him why you were mad to begin with.

                    You’re not that kind of twin.

    <-1.3 1.5 ->

  • Ghosts in Quicksilver – 2.16 – Sympathy for the Devil

    October 15th, 2020

    TW: Mental health issues, trauma feelings, guns, suicidal ideation

    I thought by the time we made it back to my apartment I’d have figured out what to say, how I was feeling, some sort of order to the chaos in my head. But when Nathan unlocked the door and I held Will’s shoulders to guide her up the stairs, I realized I still had no idea. I was still holding Kiera’s coat, and I threw it on the floor, then a moment later, did the same thing with Will’s hoodie. I didn’t want either of them—not at the moment, anyway.

    A gun.

    There was a gun in my pocket.

    “Nathan,” I said quietly as I got to the top of the stairs, giving Will a gentle push towards the other room. I handed him my phone. “Avery’s on the contact list. Call them, tell them what happened.”

    “I’m not sure what happened.”

    “Okay, then, just tell them I need help.”

    Will glared at me, and I leaned on the doorframe, returning the stare. “You don’t have to call Avery.”

    “Well, somebody has to be responsible for you, since you apparently can’t be responsible on your own.” I regretted it immediately as she turned her head away from me. “Sorry. I’m just—a gun, Will? You had a gun?”

    “She scares me,” she mumbled.

    “That looked more like an execution than self-defense.”

    “I—” She exhaled. “Sorry.”

    Sorry. That didn’t explain shit. I tried not to look disappointed or angry, but I didn’t have any energy left. I wanted to ask her what Kiera had been talking about, but I didn’t have the words, and if I felt this muddled about my own thoughts, there was no way Will could understand them either. So I left, and sat with my back against the stairway banister, legs stretched across the small hallway, Will on one side of me and Nathan to the other, waiting for Avery to show up. An adult, who knew what to do.

    I felt pathetic.

    “…Jamal?”

    Perfect fucking timing. “And where the fuck have you been?” I growled, looking at Jo in the mirror across from me. She’d followed us up the stairs, apparently. Or just reappeared. Either way, she was hovering a couple inches over the stairs themselves.

    “I was with Isaiah.”

    “Yeah. That’s where you always are. I can’t blame you for being sick of me.”

    “That’s not what it’s about!”

    I banged my head against the banister. I wasn’t in the mood. I was going to get lectured, or worried over, or preached at, and I was not in the mood. I’d just watched two broken people almost kill each other. I didn’t want any fucking powers. I didn’t want any of this. I wanted—

    Well, mostly, I wanted to be dead. But I’d slowly started realizing that that was my default. Wanting to be anywhere but here. Wanting to stop wanting everything so much.

    “Avery’s outside,” Jo murmured. “They wanted to know if it was okay to come in.”

    “How nice. They asked permission.”

    “Jamal.” I could hear it in her voice, the start of another I-told-you-so—but then, instead, she slipped through the banister and sat next to me. “Was it bad?”

    “Will tried to shoot Kiera.”

    “Wh—” She exhaled, stifling her immediate response. “Oh my god.” She looked so innocent. She hadn’t aged, not really—I thought perhaps some ghosts could, if they wanted to. But Jo was stuck at twelve, and it meant the fear on her face looked all the more real. “Are—are you—”

    “Didn’t get shot, no. Nobody did.”

    “Will wouldn’t…” Jo frowned. “That doesn’t sound like her.”

    “Yeah, well. I don’t know her that well.”

    “You want to know her better. Don’t you?”

    I shrugged. I did. And I didn’t. I didn’t want people in my life, fakey conversations about the weather, check-ins and lunch dates… I’d tried. I’d tried, so hard, to have real friends. But I’d dropped out of school, and the messages had slowed from a flood, to a trickle, to a foreboding, endless silence. And I hadn’t cared. I was supposed to care, I was supposed to reach out and make an Effort, and I just. Didn’t.

    And then Kiera had shown up.

    I couldn’t place it. When I’d gone from annoyed, to curious; when I’d gone from curious to aching. I didn’t want to know Kiera, except I didn’t. She was a puzzle, a mystery; she was all sharp edges and I wanted to know why; she was a monster, and monsters were easy to call monsters, that should have been fine.

    She had apologized to me. And it’d been a shit apology. But – she’d sought me out. She’d apologized. There was something – something else.

    It didn’t matter.

    How fucked up was I when the person I wanted to get to know and spend time with wasn’t the one who had saved my life, the one who had given me the vocabulary for a whole world of people—but instead the one that any sane person would want to stay away from?

    I could draw on vaguely-remembered ideas about the call-of-the-void and bad girl appeal all I wanted. It was fucked up. I was fucked up.

    “Are you okay?”

    I started, then stared at Jo. “I—I don’t know,” I admitted.

    “That’s a step up.”

    “What?”

    “That you’re admitting it.”

    “Oh, shut up,” I grumbled, but there wasn’t any force behind it. Besides, she looked genuinely happy about it, and I didn’t have the heart to take her pride as anything but sincere. “…Kiera makes me uncomfortable.”

    “I think she w—”

    “Not like that,” I interrupted. Jo had been about to say that she’d make anybody uncomfortable, but it wasn’t so simple. “Have you ever…” I lost my courage for a moment, the furious, guilty part of my brain reminding me that this was my little sister, it wasn’t her job to give me advice, not on things like this, I was supposed to protect her- But she did give me advice. And I hadn’t protected her well enough. “Have you ever been scared of someone not because they’re… you know, terrible on their own, but because you think you might be a worse person for them? That if they asked you, straight up, you’d do something without thinking about it and have to pick up the pieces later? Or that—that they’re the physical version of that devil on your shoulder?”

    Johara stared at me, and I watched in silence as her eyes went from startled back to sad. I’d hoped—almost expected, actually, for this just to be another silly, normal thing that everybody had and that I was overthinking it.

    “I don’t think so,” she murmured, “but I know what you mean.”

    So much for this being normal.

    “You think about Kiera a lot more than I expected. Didn’t she try to shove you off a building?”

    “Not exactly,” I snorted. “Besides, I’m apparently surrounded by dangerous idiots. She’s looking less and less weird all the time.”

    “You’re deflecting again.”

    “When did you get so smart?”

    “I’m only smart when it comes to you.”

    Damn it. Foiled again. I didn’t mind this time. I didn’t want to talk about this, but I thought maybe I kind of did—I was just terrified of actually saying any of it.

    “She’s old. Like, really old. And I keep wondering, how do you get to be that old and this horrible? But then she’s not horrible all the time. Sometimes she’s sweet, and sometimes she’s weird, but the cute, annoying kind of weird. And maybe she was nicer when she was young, or maybe she was worse, or maybe she just stayed the same all this time and never got any better and that’s terrifying, Jo, because—” I cut myself off, jaw so tense I could feel my teeth pushing against each other like stone against stone. She was still listening to me.

    “Because what?”

    “Because I keep thinking about what would happen if I lived that long, about me in a hundred or a thousand years, and I don’t think I’d be that different.”[2] 

    Jo started in surprise. “You can’t possibly think—”

    “Think what? That I’m miserable enough and hate people enough to get rid of them when I’m tired of them? Or that I can hate somebody enough to chase them across a whole city? That anybody could be afraid of—”

    I was not going to fucking cry. Not even front of Jo. I wrapped my arms so tightly around my legs that it hurt, like it might stop me from shaking into pieces.

    “Jamal, I—”

    “I love you, Jo, but I really… I can’t do this right now.”

    “I—”

    “Not. Now.”

    She left. I could feel her vanishing—back into the Medium, probably. I hoped she wasn’t mad at me. I probably deserved it.

    Something, a small voice in my head, questioned that.

    Avery had gone in with Will while Jo and I were talking. I’d barely noticed, but I glanced at the door, wondering how it was going. I could hear their voices, not quite raised, but definitely tense, in the room on the other side. Then, as I watched, Avery threw the door open and—didn’t quite storm out. This was still Avery. They closed the door behind them carefully, not slamming it, but I could see in the tension of their arm and shoulder that they were tempted.

    I was tempted to make a joke at them—that bad, huh—but even I wasn’t out of it enough to misread the situation that badly. They stuck their hands in their pockets and stood in front of me, looking as lost as I’d ever seen them.

    “You’ve still got it, huh?”

    “Yeah. In my pocket.”

    “I’ll get rid of it.”

    I paused half-way through pulling it out of my pocket. “Uh. Are you sure?”

    “Yeah.” Avery chuckled. “I mean it. I’m not going to get caught by the cops with a gun in my glovebox, don’t worry. Straight from here to the river, clean it, toss it. Nobody got killed or hurt, so they won’t look that hard for it.”

    “Thank god for that. Alright.” I handed it to Avery carefully, like I was handling a grenade. I supposed in a way I was. Avery put it in the pocket of their leather jacket, pulling a face.

    “I still have no idea where she got it. I’m not sure I want to know, and she’s the last person I’d expect to…” Then they sighed, looking so young it hurt. They occupied a place in my head right alongside Cass as the wise older mentor, and Cass’s pedestal had already been shaken when I’d watched her and Will go at it. Now I was trying to hold Avery’s pedestal in place and wondering if I should bother. They were older than me, sure, but when Kiera was nine hundred years old, what did that count for?

    Avery scratched their chin, taking a few deep, measured breaths. “I’m sorry.”

    “What?”

    “That must have been hard. And—câlif. It was one thing when it was just Isaiah. Isaiah’s a big boy. It sucks having to figure out how to stabilize everybody at once, but he’s old enough and together enough to figure it out. But you didn’t ask for this. And I don’t have a fucking clue why Kiera likes you so much, but it’s put you right in the middle of this.”

    “Means she’s not killing me, though,” I tried with a smile. Avery returned the smile faintly.

    “Very true. It’s still not fair.”

    Then it hit me—“Is that why I’m fucking exhausted? I thought that was just the stress!”

    Avery actually chuckled a little at that, brightening a little. “No, no. You were stabilizing two elementals at once. Two, by the way, very very powerful elementals who have been losing their shit for a while. And you saved both their lives.” They smiled, their eyes dark-rimmed from frustrated tears. “You did good.”

    Maybe that shouldn’t have made me so happy. But Avery had said both. It wasn’t just about Will. It was about saving everybody—and that kept me smiling long after Avery left.

    <— Previous Chapter Next Chapter—>

  • The God Who Is Watching – Goretober 5th

    October 13th, 2020

    prompt: lots of eyes

    tw: ptsd, dissociation, unreality, lots of eyes/mild eye horror, religious trauma, reckless use of the word ‘picayune’

    the god who is watching is lying in wait
    in the chasm carved in the edge of the worlds.
    he waits, and he listens, and he stands guard.
    here, the contours are fuzzy –
    here, the walls are thin –
    here, twixt world and picayune world –
    is where intruders get in.
    the god who is watching braces his arms
    four palms, twenty fingers, twenty nails, upon
    the ground that surrounds him, glass-dust and rock
    the god who is watching blinks the void of his eyes
    hundred-score lids in an unending wave
    never unguarded, never unsafe –
    and speaks the god guarding, with burned-cinder tongue
    LITTLE ONE, DO YOU FEAR WHAT I BRING
    HAVE I CROSSED SOME TABOO THAT YOU DO NOT FORGIVE
    WHAT DO YOU FEAR FROM A GATEKEEPING GHOST
    WHAT DO YOU MISTRUST OR MISTAKE OR MISGIVE
    WITH MY HEART ON MY SLEEVE AND HALF IN MY GRAVE
    WHAT TERRIBLE SIGHT HAS YOU SO ENGROSSED?
    I AM NOT DISGUISED, speaks the god euhemerized –
    but not into a man, there’s no man in him
    or if there is, the pieces came together wrong
    sewn in the dark by touch alone.
    the god who is watching and waiting alone –
    where the crossroads are rivers of hemlock and wine
    where the sky has burnt black and empty and cold
    he guards against monsters, and he means well, in his way.

    it’s just that –

    there are no intruders, at least, you’re mostly sure
    and there’s no air for anything but gods like him to breathe
    perhaps he is needed, you don’t know, perhaps
    but you’re not brave enough to tell a god
    that his time is over.

  • Behind The Curtain: A Queer Revisiting of Puella Magi Madoka Magica, Episode 2

    October 13th, 2020

    If you missed where this started, episode 1 is over here! 

    Some recap: This analysis covers all of PMMM’s original run, but will not touch on Rebellion. Spoilers apply for the whole series, and assumes you are at least familiar with the ending. PMMM and this analysis deal with – to some degree or another – suicide, poverty, mental illness, psychosis, internalized homophobia, queerphobia, respectability politics and lateral violence within the queer community.

    In the analysis of the first episode, we laid some important groundwork; Madoka is surrounded by varying archetypes of femininity. Her mother is a modern businesswoman, corporate-minded and with a house-husband, but otherwise very feminine. Hitomi is an aspiring “traditional” lady (see the trope Yamato Nadeshiko, although Hitomi’s a little dramatic for it and sanding off the rough edges) and deliberately contrasted with Madoka’s mother. And separate from the two of them completely is Sayaka, a tomboy clearly uncomfortable with either proffered role, obviously queer, unable to resist “jokes” about marrying Madoka. Madoka sits somewhere in the center of this triangle, quietly observing and trying to build her own sense of identity as a woman from the influences around her.

    Episode 2 opens on Madoka and Sayaka meeting Mami, and this is where some of the really fun subtext gets going. Mami is older than both of them, though not by a whole lot (I believe she’s fourteen, making her two years older) – but of course, in the nature of middle school girls, that makes her unbelievably adult and worldly to Sayaka and Madoka. This isn’t helped by the fact that she has her own apartment, and has magical girl powers.

    Then we get into the explanation of magical girls vs. witches, and oof. This episode explains that witches are evil spirits that are born from curses, cause unexplained suicides and murders, and hide deep in hallucinatory labyrinths away from human eyes. In contrast, they are hunted by magical girls, who are warriors of justice who destroy them and purify their own soul gems with the “grief seeds” that witches crack from. In addition to all this, we actually see a witch’s effect on somebody suicidal – it leaves a mark on her neck called a Witch’s Kiss. And this would all be fairly normal fairytale metaphor except for the very, very clear queer subtext everywhere else.

    SO. Let’s unpack that. In the wider context of the show and the “big twist” later on, we know that magical girls and witches are the same thing. Witches are all women; they’re the “fallen, broken” versions of magical girls, who are “pure and sweet”. And every single magical girl we’ve met thus far is immensely coded as queer. So it absolutely should not be discarded that a lot of what we’re hearing about witches is really just repackaged homophobia. Lesbophobia, actually, to be exact; while there’s a lot of crossover between discrimination between queer men and women, there are nuances here that make the gendering important. Witches are born from curses; most queer history and fiction carries some of the idea, challenged or otherwise, that our attraction and identity is a curse. Witches cause suicides and murders; that is, they ’cause’ the death of either themselves or other people, in honor killings or deaths out of desperation, the fear of being outed or the despair of unhappiness. The only witch-caused suicide attempt we’ve seen on screen as of this ep is of another woman! Isn’t that interesting. And witches create labyrinths of deception and guile; trans women in particular, and trans lesbians even more so, are accused of trickery and misdirection and lies, as a justification for abuse and murder. Even cis lesbians get this from men – the idea that being attractive and yet unavailable is a lie. Moreover, older queer people are constantly accused of misleading or deceiving young people into “thinking” they’re queer or infecting their minds with lies. If you’ve ever heard about the “queer agenda” or “trans cult”, that’s relevant here.

    So our witches, or at least how they’re being talked about, is infested with homophobic and transphobic reasoning. But where does that leave Mami and Kyubey, and the inevitable truth that magical girls and witches are the same? Simple: the job of a magical girl is to fight witches, destroy them, and in turn never, never be like them. That’s the entire point of collecting Grief Seeds from defeated witches. Magical girls are the queer girls who “know better”, the “good, well-behaved” ones who get to be heroes instead of villains… at the cost of hurting their own people. Put in a context that underlines the metaphor: magical girls are asked to use the corpses of “unworthy” magical girls they’ve slaughtered to prove and ensure that they won’t be the next target of the hunt. Even with translation conventions at play, Mami’s use of the phrase ‘witch hunt’ seems intensely appropriate, and a little bit of research into the Japanese word for witch (majo, 魔女) shows that the mythology heavily borrows from Western sources. In other words, while Japanese mythology has some presence here, this is largely a Japanese take on a Western set of myths and folkloric imagery.

    Returning to the Witch’s Kiss for a moment, there’s some more imagery here that’s worth looking at. The Witch’s Kiss isn’t on the suicidal woman’s lips; it’s on her neck. Considering witches as not just queer women but queer women who are unable or unwilling to play along with respectability politics – non-passing trans women, sex workers, openly kinky or overtly masculine women, etc. – this is a fascinatingly sexual piece of imagery. It’s intensely dark, too, because it changes the context of the Witches’ Kiss entirely. Do witches actually cause suicides? Or is the “real world” context of this that women tempted by witches have to choose between being outcast “witches” or death, or feel like they have to? Recall the older but still used term ‘fallen woman’ for sex workers and queer women. Adding onto this is a detail that comes up in other analysis, but isn’t dwelt on in connection with other things; Mami doesn’t have any friends. It’s made clear later in the series (if I remember correctly) that Mami was not entirely aware that all witches were magical girls; but there’s still something intensely sad about a queer-coded woman so eager for friends that she’s befriending younger girls, but only as long as she knows that they’ve been “approved” as magical girls. Is she afraid that even as a magical girl she’ll hurt or corrupt those she touches? (While I’m not getting into supplementary material since I haven’t read it directly, Mami and Kyouko were apparently friends prior to the show, which just strengthens this connection. But more on Kyouko later!) So Mami’s life is dedicated to smearing and killing witches to ensure that she’s safe and comfortable, even though she’s horribly lonely as a result – and whether or not she’s really aware that she’ll never be like “normal” people, the audience can see it. Whatever promise of normalcy she wished for or hoped for, she was never going to get it.

    —

    However, Mami is only one of the characters that backs this theory up, and one of the most prominent characters in this is actually Sayaka. Despite her tomboyish exterior, Sayaka has no poker face, at all – and it’s not a good thing, not in this environment. I mentioned at the beginning how she can’t resist jokes about marrying Madoka, and that backfires on here, where Hitomi jumps to conclusions about how Madoka and Sayaka are clearly having an illicit romance. “You’ve been staring so intently into each other’s eyes… But you can’t, you’re both girls, it’s a love that can never be!” She runs off, and while Sayaka plays it off with a nervous laugh, Madoka’s more than a little bothered, and they actually have to put work into smoothing Hitomi’s ruffled feathers. This makes it clear why Sayaka isn’t out; as funny as Hitomi is being here, it’s not exactly the most welcoming. Either she’s deliberately joking or being overdramatic, or she genuinely believes it’s the kind of love that can never be, and whether or not she thinks that’s tragic or terrible or romantic, it’s not exactly what young queer girls need to hear from their best friend. Not to mention that she makes it all about her and how isolated she feels.

    The respectability politics come back into play with the conversation between Mami, Kyubey, Sayaka and Madoka in class. Mami mentions that it’s actually more common for magical girls to contend against one another; Grief Seeds are a limited and important resource, and the in-fighting goes beyond just the witches and also includes each other. This foreshadows that even their enemy are the same people – and when you consider that their “resource” to stay Clean is their own, this takes on a particularly chilling relevance. I can’t help but compare this to queer exclusionist arguments that worry about “limited resources” being sucked up by asexual, aromantic, trans and non-binary lesbians/queer women, without considering what those people can provide for a community.

    The scene afterwards has Homura actively kept away from Madoka, too. Often you’ll see exclusionists, trans-exclusionary radical feminists, and even religious sects take this step – even talking to a “heretic” or a “fallen woman” is enough to taint your views, and so they enforce that having friends who are Not Of Your Group is bad, keep them as far from you as possible, and it’s to make sure that you don’t realize that the arguments… make sense. This shows up in a number of places, and why the urge that both Sayaka and Mami have here to keep Homura away from Madoka at all costs is… worrying. Sayaka’s clearly learned it just from watching Mami and Kyubey, but she hasn’t thought to question what actually makes Homura dangerous. The answer is: nothing. Homura hasn’t hurt or attacked Madoka. Homura has specifically and repeatedly focused her attentions on Kyubey. But because Kyubey has played the role of cute and helpless victim to the hilt, the protective urge has done the work for him and placed Homura in the role of villain very tidily. Notably, Madoka is very quiet about this; she isn’t buying into the “Homura Is Evil” narrative nearly as quickly as Sayaka, and keeping to herself while she unpacks what she’s being told. She gets a bit of a bad rap from critics of PMMM – she isn’t passive, so much as she’s being cautious. 

    Finally, we get to the wish – or rather, the initial discussion of them. What would you wish for? The episode pauses and gets unusually (so far) somber when Sayaka isn’t sure what would be important enough for her to risk her life for it. In fact, she does; she just isn’t sure she can say it. Her inner identity, what she wants, is conflicting with a very different desire – the one to be normal. It’s not a surprise, really, that Sayaka is so much faster to buy into everything Mami and Kyubey say. Both Sayaka and Madoka are queer, but one of them is much more obviously so than the other. Madoka can blend in, hide her feelings, and play the girly girl – Sayaka is trying, constantly, and can’t quite make it work. Plus, we know what Madoka’s home life is like, but we never see Sayaka’s. There’s a lot of things unsaid about why Sayaka might be so much more desperate for protection, no matter how slim or secret. She also doesn’t question the idea that she has to earn the wish, or suffer for it; disability politics come in here as well, even if sideways. Being a witch, in the long run, is a punishment for wanting something, or reaching too far – and the theme of being “punished” with insanity or disability is a potent, if ableist, one. But if it isn’t questioned or counteracted early on, it’s accepted, especially if it’s effaced with a beautiful lie on top. You aren’t a witch; you’re a soldier against evil. And when you’re hurt by it later on, well, clearly it’s because you had it coming.

    The infamous Episode 3 is next, but I think the concept of “the show is cute and fluffy until episode 3” has already been put away at least for this rewatch. It carries its dread right from the first few minutes, and honestly, watching it with this lens is giving me so much more than I expected. Depressing, but in a way that feels very, very cathartic.

    If you like these columns, please consider supporting me on Patreon! 

  • the steady drone – Goretober 4th

    October 12th, 2020

    tw: PTSD

    the steady drone
    the static

    the migraine
    comes and goes

    the pulse rate
    automatic

    the engine
    overloads

    enough – enough – enough
    your nose is bleeding dry
    there’s tremors in your fingers
    there’s terror in your eyes.

    the steady drone
    the nightmare

    the tossing in
    your sleep

    if only we
    decided

    what memories
    to keep.

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